Emotional Sabotage: Take Back Your Power

Life can be cruel. People can be cruel. Sometimes, we (yes, you and I included), can be downright malicious, particularly when we are threatened. The threat of loss—stature, power, influence, credibility, livelihood, approval, love—makes us mean. I don’t care if you’re Mother Theresa or Gandhi: if put in the right set of circumstances, survival mode will kick in.

Lashing out is the brain’s attempt at surviving a threat, real or imagined. When a person experiences threat, she reacts, often in anger. Maybe she gets loud. Maybe she shuts down, giving the silent treatment. Maybe she gossips, poisoning other people’s minds as she spreads the anger. Maybe she punishes.
Take a moment to answer this: how do you react when you feel threatened? Tell the truth. It’s ok. I won’t tell anyone: it’s just between you and me.
#confession:

I leave. If I feel disrespected, or like someone is using me–even if I offered–I am so out of there.

This defense mechanism has cost me greatly: relationships, business clients, opportunities, and intimacy. It’s left me feeling isolated and terribly alone.
And it’s affected my paper.

For a long time, I let underlying anger stop me. I was mad at momma. Mad at my colleagues when I was a professor. Mad because I thought I should have already hit it big, when I hadn’t yet. I was mad at myself, and mad at life.

#realtalk:
It’s EASY to let your emotions overwhelm you, and keep you stuck. Especially when your heart is involved. Someone hurts you, or lies to you, or abandons you, and you find yourself swimming in it, right?

Heartbreak. Sadness. Fury.

And even though you hate feeling the way you do, and you WANT to let those emotions go, it’s WAY easier said than done. (Right?)

It’s a slippery slope. You can’t let emotions go if you’re running from them, pushing them down, or dismissing them by distracting yourself.

People hurt people, yes. But people also help and heal people.

Today, I want to help you by showing you five ways to keep anger (or any other emotion) from holding power over you, so it can no longer affect your relationships, your life, or your paper.

1. Change Your Perspective: When someone says or does something that hurts you (including your own inner mean voice—like my “Worthless Wanda”), remember that you are dealing with one person’s point of view. Just because he speaks with conviction that may be HIS truth, it doesn’t make it TRUE.
It’s hard to be hurt by people when you believe in yourself more than other people’s opinions or points of view.

2. Be Honest with Yourself: If something someone does or says really gets you … if you begin spinning out of control, just stop. Check in with yourself, and be HONEST. WHY is it affecting you so much? Do you already believe, on some level, that what was said or done to you is true? I know, this is tough. But it’s crucial to tell yourself the truth.

If you find that what happened confirmed a personal fear, thank that person; he just became your teacher, and now, you can tend to those fears. Write them down, and dig deep into what the fear is trying to teach you.

You matter enough to do the real work to heal yourself, so other people’s actions don’t undermine your sense of self. Trust me: the gift within the fear can become an attribute.

3. Live Your Truth: It takes a certain level of emotional maturity to go through the discomfort of living your truth not as an act of defiance, but as an act of self-constitution—to live life on your own terms and without fear. Emotional maturity is not a function of age: it is a function of your own willingness to be the author of your life, instead of a victim. Sometimes, it will be necessary to speak up for yourself, or walk away, or leave permanently, and sure, there will be consequences. But living your truth means you respect yourself over all else.

A solid sense of self-worth beats the discomfort and fallout, hands down.

4. Develop Circles of Trust: People need people. Identify the people whose actions match their words in support of you. Make it your business to create occasions and opportunities to be in their company. Tell them who they are for you, and why you value them. Ask them how YOU can be of service in THEIR lives. Think of your circle of trust with other strong black women as the knights from the legends of King Author who surround you with encouragement, love, and positive reflections of yourself … women empowering women. The company you keep can impact the way you handle obstacles. It can save your life.

5. Be CLEAR on Your Purpose: I think about slavery, the holocaust, apartheid, the Boston Tea Party, etc. and I wonder how our ancestors kept going when life tried to kill them. When I think of lynchings, or gas chambers, or Rwanda, I try to imagine what drove our people to keep pushing … to never give up, for us.
It was hope.

They had hope for a better tomorrow. They had a purpose, a vision, a mission, a destiny that was so compelling, it was worth the suffering. It was worth the losses.
I think that when we act out of anger, it’s a result of a loss of hope, and the absence of a purpose worth living for.

Survival make us cruel; purpose gives us hope.

This is why I have faith in life after cruelty.

I have purpose. I have belief. I have hope.

YOU give me hope.

YOU are my purpose.

Life can be cruel. People can be cruel. Sometimes, we (yes, you and I included), can be downright malicious, particularly when we are threatened.  The threat of loss—stature, power, influence, credibility, livelihood, approval, love—makes us mean. I don’t care if you’re Mother Theresa or Gandhi: if put in the right set of circumstances, survival mode will kick in.

Lashing out is the brain’s attempt at surviving a threat, real or imagined. When a person experiences threat, she reacts, often in anger. Maybe she gets loud. Maybe she shuts down, giving the silent treatment. Maybe she gossips, poisoning other people’s minds as she spreads the anger. Maybe she punishes.

Take a moment to answer this: how do you react when you feel threatened? Tell the truth. It’s ok. I won’t tell anyone: it’s just between you and me.

#confession:

I leave. If I feel disrespected, or like someone is using me–even if I offered–I am so out of there.

This defense mechanism has cost me greatly: relationships, business clients, opportunities, and intimacy. It’s left me feeling isolated and terribly alone.

And it’s affected my paper.

For a long time, I let underlying anger stop me. I was mad at momma. Mad at my colleagues when I was a professor. Mad because I thought I should have already hit it big, when I hadn’t yet. I was mad at myself, and mad at life.

#realtalk:

It’s EASY to let your emotions overwhelm you, and keep you stuck. Especially when your heart is involved. Someone hurts you, or lies to you, or abandons you, and you find yourself swimming in it, right?

Heartbreak. Sadness. Fury.

And even though you hate feeling the way you do, and you WANT to let those emotions go, it’s WAY easier said than done. (Right?)

It’s a slippery slope. You can’t let emotions go if you’re running from them, pushing them down, or dismissing them by distracting yourself.

People hurt people, yes. But people also help and heal people.

Today, I want to help you by showing you five ways to keep anger (or any other emotion) from holding power over you, so it can no longer affect your relationships, your life, or your paper.

1. Change Your Perspective: When someone says or does something that hurts you (including your own inner mean voice—like my “Worthless Wanda”), remember that you are dealing with one person’s point of view. Just because he speaks with conviction that may be HIS truth, it doesn’t make it TRUE.

It’s hard to be hurt by people when you believe in yourself more than other people’s opinions or points of view.

2. Be Honest with Yourself: If something someone does or says really gets you … if you begin spinning out of control, just stop. Check in with yourself, and be HONEST. WHY is it affecting you so much? Do you already believe, on some level, that what was said or done to you is true? I know, this is tough. But it’s crucial to tell yourself the truth.

If you find that what happened confirmed a personal fear, thank that person; he just became your teacher, and now, you can tend to those fears. Write them down, and dig deep into what the fear is trying to teach you.

You matter enough to do the real work to heal yourself, so other people’s actions don’t undermine your sense of self. Trust me: the gift within the fear can become an attribute.

3. Live Your Truth: It takes a certain level of emotional maturity to go through the discomfort of living your truth not as an act of defiance, but as an act of self-constitution—to live life on your own terms and without fear. Emotional maturity is not a function of age: it is a function of your own willingness to be the author of your life, instead of a victim. Sometimes, it will be necessary to speak up for yourself, or walk away, or leave permanently, and sure, there will be consequences. But living your truth means you respect yourself over all else.

A solid sense of self-worth beats the discomfort and fallout, hands down.

4. Develop Circles of Trust: People need people. Identify the people whose actions match their words in support of you. Make it your business to create occasions and opportunities to be in their company. Tell them who they are for you, and why you value them. Ask them how YOU can be of service in THEIR lives. Think of your circle of trust with other strong black women as the knights from the legends of King Author who surround you with encouragement, love, and positive reflections of yourself … women empowering women. The company you keep can impact the way you handle obstacles. It can save your life.
5. Be CLEAR on Your Purpose: I think about slavery, the holocaust, apartheid, the Boston Tea Party, etc. and I wonder how our ancestors kept going when life tried to kill them. When I think of lynchings, or gas chambers, or Rwanda, I try to imagine what drove our people to keep pushing … to never give up, for us.

It was hope.

They had hope for a better tomorrow. They had a purpose, a vision, a mission, a destiny that was so compelling, it was worth the suffering. It was worth the losses.

I think that when we act out of anger, it’s a result of a loss of hope, and the absence of a purpose worth living for.

Survival make us cruel; purpose gives us hope.

This is why I have faith in life after cruelty.

I have purpose. I have belief. I have hope.

YOU give me hope.

YOU are my purpose.

Dr. Venus, founder of the Black Women Millionaires movement and CEO of Defy Impossible, Inc. is a business coach for strong black women who can help you mark your path & make millions.

Join us inside the Back to Business Virtual Conference to learn from Dr. Venus and our amazing lineup of power circle experts, six and seven figure sisters committed to help you build your best business online.